Damaged: Sins and Secrets Series of Duets Read online

  It’s meant to be a rhetorical question, but the answer rings clear in my head. He did something bad. Something that he needed an alibi for.

  I stare at the dark red liquid. Sue’s voice turns to white noise as she tells a story about something. I don’t know if it’s the first time he’s needed an alibi. Or the second or the third. But it’s the first time he changed. I knew something was off before the article. Before he told me anything. Before the lies.

  I knew something was different.

  And I didn’t even bother to ask him what he’d done.

  Chapter 26

  Evan

  It’s not what I did that haunts me,

  It’s what I didn’t know.

  Even if it was a mistake,

  I know you reap what you sow.

  I should have stopped pretending,

  I should have moved on long ago.

  It’s time I tell her everything,

  It’s time that she should know.

  There’s a slow prick of irritation crawling down my spine as I sit in the chair across from James. It makes my entire body feel the need to move, like a spider is climbing its way down my back. My fingers dig into the hard wood of the armrests as I stay perfectly still, staring down my former boss. Former friend. Now enemy.

  “You aren’t the best at listening,” he says from across the room as he closes a drawer. The city lights are just creeping in through the window behind him. Casting shadows over the large desk.

  “I don’t follow orders,” I grit between clenched teeth. My words come out menacing, but I don’t mean for them to. One more meeting, and this is over. I’m done with him. And he’s yet to get the message or to tell me what the hell is going on.

  James leans forward, clasping his hands together and his perfectly hemmed suit wrinkles beneath his arms, making the fabric look cheap. He’s always looked just a bit cheap. Regardless of the brand or how expensive his tastes are. Some assholes just look like a knockoff.

  He taps his fingers on the desk, but my eyes don’t leave his. “The reason I called you in here is simple, Evan. The new client we have likes to live on the reckless side, and I’m concerned about drug abuse.”

  A gruff huff leaves me from deep down in my chest. “I quit.” I ignore the fact that he’s hinting around what happened with Tony. My skin crawls and that feeling of a spider walking on me comes back. I can’t help but think he’s recording this conversation. Everything in my gut has been telling me there’s a setup.

  That I’m going to take the fall for what happened.

  But it was my fault, so I should be taking the blame regardless.

  “I know what you said, but I assumed you’d come to your senses,” he says, waving off my curt response. “Like I said, the new client has been known to behave a bit recklessly and I just want to make sure the policy we had in place remains the same.”

  The policy. I smirk at him, my grip on the arms getting tighter although my fingers are all that move.

  The policy where the clients get what they want, but we don’t say it out loud to anyone. The one where we’re given clean stashes of the best drugs in the rec rooms. That’s the policy. But instead of saying that, I answer, “After what happened with Tony I would think it’s more than clear that we should advise our clients against anything too reckless.”

  James’ eyes narrow. He knows I know. That fucker is recording this. I’m not an idiot. The only question I have is why. Why record it? More blackmail? Or evidence? What’s he after?

  “What is it you really want?” I stare him in the eyes as I ask. “You know you’ve provided drugs to clients before.” I cock my head to the side as I ask, “Are we changing the policy?”

  “I’ve never given anyone anything illegal,” he says and I notice how he stiffens slightly but still tries to act casual as he shrugs and adds, “There’s no change to the policy.”

  My wife has this thing she does. It’s a smile I hate. A smirk really. I hate it when she gives it to me. It’s one that tells me she knows I’m full of shit. And while I sit here, staring at this asshole, I can feel the corner of my lips tug up into that sarcastic smirk. It doesn’t stay there for long though.

  “Did you know the coke was laced?” James asks me and it takes a moment for the question to register.

  The coke I gave Tony.

  That doesn’t make sense. Our shit is clean and pure and the best there is.

  It’s also provided to us in the rec room by the company.

  “I wouldn’t know a thing about that.” It’s the only answer I can force out. Keeping a hard stare on my face even as my blood heats hotter and hotter.

  I know the laws in and out. And I can’t admit to any knowledge that could lead back to me. I can accuse him, but not admit to participation or any foresight of drugs being gifted so freely when asked.

  I raise my hand as if I’m the one in the wrong. The one who misspoke. “None of it matters anyway. I told you, I quit.”

  “And I told you, that you-”

  “I’m done,” my words come out hard as I stand up and tower over the desk. James is quick to get up, tugging at one sleeve and then the other on his suit. “I thought you had something to tell me. Something useful and not some delusion that you could use to blackmail me.”

  His eyes glint with a darkness at my words. “It’s not blackmail. I haven’t-”

  “Fuck you, James,” I tell him and start walking out of the room. It’ll be the last time I come here.

  “You know what I can do to you,” James says to my back.

  “I’m calling your bluff,” I say out of anger and instantly regret it, but I don’t stop. All the weeks of not knowing if him or Samantha would tell, all the guilt and denial rise up in my chest and the words come out without my consent, “Tell them what happened.”

  Just the thought of the truth getting out lifts a weight off of me.

  “Tell them I gave him the coke. Tell them I set him up to get high and came back to him dead. Tell the press. Tell everyone,” I say and my heart beats faster and faster as my hands ball into white-knuckled fists. But then I realize what I’ve just done. I realize I’ve said it out loud. But I don’t care. It doesn’t change anything. None of it matters anymore.

  “It’s murder, Evan, and you know it,” James says as I face the door to leave. Not bothering to acknowledge him in the least.

  Yes, it’s murder. And it’s not the first time something’s happened under my watch. But it’s the last. I’m done with this shit and this life.

  I didn’t lace a damn thing. If that stash was messed with, it wasn’t me and I’m not going down for a crime I didn’t commit. I’ll own up to everything else.

  I want to pay for my sins and chase what truly matters to me.

  A love I took for granted. A love I don’t know if I can salvage.

  Chapter 27

  Kat

  * * *

  Pulled in every direction,

  Too dizzy to stay still.

  My feet stumble beneath me,

  My body frozen from the chill.

  No more of being numb and weak,

  No more of waiting, left in vain.

  I’ve had enough of lies,

  I’ve had enough of pain.

  The buzz from the townhouse speaker rouses me from my seat in the dining room. Buzz. Buzz. It’s an annoying, high-pitched sound that I can’t stand.

  My head’s already throbbing. It’s been like this for hours, ever since I got home and took the test. I can’t go back and look at it. It’s hard enough to wrap my head around everything that’s happening.

  And the guilt ... my eyes close as I walk to the front door where the box is and hear the incessant buzzing again.

  As I walk to the front of the townhouse, hustling down the stairs so I don’t have to hear that damn noise again, I realize it’s nearly nine and I’m still in my pajamas. At least I have pants on, but the matching light gray cotton shirt has a large spot of coffee on the front an
d I’m sure my hair’s a mess.

  “Who is it?” I ask in a voice that sounds more together than I feel as I push the button down and then release it. The only person I can think of is Henry, Evan’s father.

  “Sorry to bother you, I was just hoping for a quick meeting,” a voice says on the other side and it takes me a moment to recognize it.

  “Jacob?” I ask into the intercom.

  “I hope you don’t mind, I was in the area and wanted to stop by,” he says and his voice breaks up.

  I know it’s rude to make him wait, it’s unkind not to answer him immediately, but this is so unexpected. I don’t know how to react or respond.

  “I’m not quite dressed for company,” I tell him and then close my eyes from embarrassment. He still hasn’t signed with the company and I haven’t spoken to him since running into him on the street.

  “That’s alright with me,” he answers easily and I lean into the button, keeping it held down as my head throbs again and my eyes close with frustration.

  “Is it alright if I come up?” he asks, the noise from the box ringing out clear in the small foyer.

  “Of course,” I answer out of instinct. “Come on up,” I tell him and then hit the buzzer to let him up. My heart races as I consider why he’s here. I know why, deep down. It’s my fault. I led him on.

  A sarcastic laugh leaves me as I throw my head back and wipe my tired eyes with my hands. How self-centered and presumptuous I am to think he’s here for anything other than business. I ignore the guilt and the worry that riddle my body and glance in the large oval mirror in the foyer as I wait for Jacob to make his way up the stairs.

  There are bags under my eyes and a smattering of eyeliner from yesterday still remaining. I wipe carefully under them and pull my hair back, but I still don’t look professional. I find it hard to care though as I open the front door.

  I’m caught off guard as he walks up the stairs and comes into view. Of course I look like hell when he looks charming in a laidback kind of way. His hair is ruffled, but probably gelled to look like it’s slightly messy. It’s his stubble though that gets me. I have a type, and Jacob fits that type to a T. Maybe that’s how I know this is going to be trouble.

  He gives me a wide smile and doesn’t seem to care about my appearance in the least.

  “I was just going to call it an early night,” I lie, trying to stand with dignity in front of Jacob.

  “Oh shit, I’m sorry Kat.” It’s odd hearing him call me Kat. Most of my clients don’t use my nickname. It’s too casual. A type of casual I usually put an end to immediately. But I can’t bring myself to correct him.

  “What are you doing here, Jacob?” I ask him warily. We don’t have an appointment, and quite frankly I’m not in a state to be professional.

  “It’s Jake, remember?” he asks playfully and God help me, but I blush. “I was wondering if I could maybe take you out for coffee? I was hoping for dinner. If not tonight, then …”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s something,” I stutter over my words. “Jacob …” I clear my throat and say, “Jake, I hope I didn’t give you the wrong impression.” I suck in a breath and try to push my hair out of my face.

  “It’s nothing at all that you did, I just,” he takes a deep breath and smiles before letting out a small laugh. “It was stupid of me, I’m sorry Kat. I just thought maybe there was a little attraction on your side?” he asks although it’s a statement.

  “Jake, I’m …” I want to say married, taken, in love with another man. The last line would be true. I’ll always love Evan, and nothing will ever change that.

  “I thought maybe you would like some company,” he asks, tilting his head as he leans against the wall. The muscles on his shoulder ripple as he does it. “I went through something a bit ago and I know I could use a distraction.”

  A distraction would be nice. I can’t help that the thought makes me more relaxed each second that passes.

  His half smile and gentle sigh are what do me in as he shrugs and slips his hands into his pockets. “I just thought maybe you needed someone. Or you’d like the company.” He’s handsome when he looks at me like that. It’s a look that makes me feel warmth running through me. Compassion and understanding.

  I’ve never been so tempted in my life. I so desperately need someone. The need to fall into his arms and let out every bit of tension and cry is overwhelming. I need the pain to go away; I need someone to take it from me, because I’m a hopeless wreck.

  “It’s very sweet of you and I won’t lie,” I start to say and then hesitate to finish the thought, but settle on the basic truth. “I wouldn’t act on anything because I just can’t right now. I would never forgive myself and it wouldn’t be fair to you.” My words are rushed at the end, trying to defend my decision and assuage me of the guilt I’m feeling.

  “Hey,” Jacob says with an easy tone that breaks through the anxiety washing over me. His reassuring voice forces me to look into his gentle gaze. It’s comforting and relaxing and makes me not trust myself. “How about this?” he asks as he takes a step closer toward me. “How about you call me if you think you want to hang out or talk, or whatever it is that’s on your mind?” he asks in a soothing tone that’s almost melodic. It calms me, each word a consoling balm to the hurt that rages through my body.

  I want that. More than anything, I want this pain that I feel to stop. I would give anything to make it go away. Jacob could do that, but it would be short-lived. I blink away the haze of lust, the cloud of want and desire leaving me slowly, very slowly. I clear my throat and look him in the eyes as I tell him, “I can’t.”

  “‘Cause we’re going to work together?” he asks, although the way he tilts his head and strains his words makes it more than obvious that he knows why I can’t. My lips form a thin straight line as I shake my head no.

  “You love him?” he asks me, and the bit of control I have on my emotions slips.

  “I do, but that’s not why. I’m just–I’m not okay and I need to figure things out …” I can’t finish the thought, but thankfully I don’t have to.

  “I understand,” Jacob says and runs his hand through his thick hair. My eyes are caught in his as I nod in thanks.

  “Let’s pretend this didn’t happen then?” I ask him.

  “I’d rather you remember,” he says with a grin that makes me crave him more. “I’ll be here when you’re ready,” he says and then turns to leave. To walk away from me and leave me alone in my misery, just as I asked.

  For a second I want to reach out and stop him from leaving; I don’t want to go back to what’s waiting for me. I don’t want to face what I have to do.

  But my fingers grip onto the edge of the foyer doorway as Jacob turns away and heads to the front door.

  “I’ll talk to you later then?” he asks as he opens the door to see himself out.

  I should say no. I should cut off whatever this is. It’s dangerous and I can feel myself slipping toward an edge where I won’t be able to balance. I can see myself falling. And that’s why I give him a small smile and nod my head. “Later,” the word slips from my lips like a sin.

  Chapter 28

  Evan

  * * *

  I won’t stop fighting,

  I won’t let this tear us apart.

  One mistake won’t take her from me,

  One mistake can’t break her heart.

  I’ll plead with her and do what’s right,

  And pray that she will see.

  She’s all I have to live for,

  On my knees, I pray she’ll forgive me.

  The radio in the car is silenced as I turn the ignition off. It’s not often I get a parking spot so close to the townhouse. It was a sacrifice we made when we bought the place a few years ago.

  My head falls back against the leather headrest and I stare up at the building, at the top two floors on the right side, knowing that Kat’s in there. So close, but so fucking far away just the same.
>
  My phone pings just as I open the door to get out and drag my sorry ass up to tell her everything. To lay it all out there, beg for her forgiveness, her understanding. But most importantly for her to stay with me.

  If she can still love me, after all this shit I put her through and everything ahead of us, then we can get through anything.

  But it’s not her that texted me. It’s Samantha.

  I heard you quit.

  News travels fast, I respond quickly and then debate on how to tell her I won’t be responding anymore to her. That it’s not fair to my wife and now that I’ve left the company, there’s no reason to have any type of relationship with her.

  What about what happened? she asks and I stare at the text on my phone as the lights in my car dim, signaling me to leave. She follows up the question with another that makes my stomach churn. He knows about what happened and you know he won’t let it go. He’ll hang this over your head until he gets what he wants.

  My brow knits as I read the message. I don’t give a shit what he knows or what he wants. For a moment I think maybe she’s messaging the wrong person. I settle on my response.

  I have nothing to give him.

  He knows about us, Evan.

  I stare at the text message, letting it sink in.

  You told him? I ask her, my gaze shifting from the phone to the lit townhouse building off the busy city street. The lights are on in her office and the living room. So close. She’s so close.

  My phone vibrates in my hand and I look back down to see her response. He’s known for years.

  My hand balls into a white-knuckled fist as I realize he’s been playing me. He’s never let on that he knew I fucked his wife.

  My first instinct is to blame Sam. You didn’t tell me you told him, I text and then hate myself for it. I didn’t know she was married; we were both high and I wanted any excuse to end things with Kat.